I totally want to apologize in advance for this post, there isn't anyone available at the moment for me to vent to, so I figured I'd do it here, after all, that's what a blog is for right? But again, I apologize.
Nothing really exciting been happening around Nice, been spending most of my time at home, catching up on reading, working (a lot) for both American and French jobs, and that brings me to the subject of this post.
Like I just said, I've been working hard for the American job, averaging about 20-25 hours a week for them. Add that on top of the 10-15 hours of teaching/prep work/grading, god help me, I'm actually working a real job! But that's not the problem, I like being busy, and more importantly, I like being needed, and my American job needs me. As they've demonstrated.
The problem is, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I feel like I should want less out of life, and be happy to 'settle' back in New Jersey. I found out today, that my American boss really wishes that I weren't teaching so I could be hired full time. That's just amazing. I feel so flattered, and so proud of myself because it shows I've been doing a good job, and that I'm valued. The problem, I have no desire to work for them for the rest of my life, or make a career out of it. I want more, I want to live in Europe more, study more, get an advanced degree. And I feel a little bit guilty, because I'm not happy or content with a job that would pay me well enough (from what I learned and what I know, I could demand a pretty decent salary from ATC because of my unique skills and my usefulness to the company, not enough to live alone, but definitely enough to have a roommate and be comfortable).
I feel like I should be honored and flattered; rushing home at the end of the summer to take an advantage of an offer that would put me ahead of, if not on par with a lot of my peers/friends. I also just don't want to be trapped by NJ. As much as I love it and miss everyone/everything there, it's definitely one of those states that's difficult to leave, for multiple reasons.
So to sum up, it sucks being grown up sometimes! Part of me wants to rush back home, live the happy 'career-oriented' life making a living and being a 'real adult.' But, for better or worse, the larger part of me is stopping me from doing it. Here's hoping, I know what the hell I'm doing, or at least, doing the best that i can!
One thing though, if you follow your dreams you also should learn to live without too many possessions. Yes, you can have a house somewhere, or maybe an apartment. But now that I'm almost 40 I realize the reason people get trapped in their life is because they accumulate too many material things that they can't get rid of.
So I'm thinking that people who follow their dreams either disposable possessions, or easily replaceable. Or maybe they are wealthy enough to have multiple houses with identical possessions in each.
Matt
03/20/2010 at 16:20:16